It's McWar! A John Fanzine Special Report
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War! Huh! What is it good for?

Up to 35 billion dollars per year plus merchandising rights if the USA's Department of "Defense" are to be believed.

That's the figure that US military bosses say they are hoping to raise with a brand new initiative, announced to the real world at a pentagon press conference in McDonalds last Saturday morning.

In a scene reminiscent of the rehersal which took place earlier, Flight "Lootenant" Major General Randy Bender III Jr told assembled media hacks that, due to the rapidly escalating costs of modern high-tech weaponry, the American armed forces have decided to turn to the world of corporate sponsorship in a bid to supplement their meagre one trillion dollar black budget.

"Over 12 billion people worldwide watched the gulf war on television", he explained. "That's a heck of a lot of consumers"
"If the DoD were able to tap the potential advertising revenue... hell, we may be able to afford to bomb the crap out of three times as many heathen nations per year as we do currently"

The Lil-lets B2 Stealth Bomber
The Lil-lets B2 Stealth Bomber. Specially contoured and ultra discrete. You'd never guess it was there
The Major General went on to describe plans to allow corporate sponsors to display their company logos on various military vehicles and weapons systems.

"As well as raising valuable funds for future military soujourns, these plans have definite practical advantages aswell too also", he told us.

"For example, If British tanks, ships or air[o]planes had freakin' great Coke logos on the side, I'd bet my daddy's ass that it'd make them one heck of a lot easier to shoot, er, I mean recognise on the battlefield"

The Stella Artois CVN 71 supercarrier.
The Stella Artois CVN 71 supercarrier. Reassuringly expensive.
One well known company to have already signed up for a piece of Armageddon* is Rupert Murdoch's British Sky Broadcasting, who recently secured a deal to exclusively broadcast future military incursions LIVE on their new pay-per-clip "War Channel".

It is also rumoured that the Geneva Convention will soon be amended to enforce mandatory cease fires every fifteen minutes during a conflict, to allow time for commercial breaks. (sponsored by KitKat)

When recently asked to comment on the possibility of changes to the convention, however, American president Bill Clinton would only say "Jenny who?"

But it's not just consumers in the righteous west who the advocates of military sponsorship hope to appeal to. Indeed, it is the stated intention of US army bigwigs to "inform as well as maim" whenever third world countries are decimated by NATO in future.

This decision follows research in Kosovo, which has shown that when civilians are bombed with "Pepsi" branded munitions, the survivors are 2 to 3 times more likely to consume Pepsi than a rival product. (Bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase "target audience")

The Ragu Challenger 2 Tank.
The Ragu Challenger 2 Tank. Brings out the Italian in you.
Finally, when asked if there were any plans for oil companies to be involved in sponsorship of forthcoming wars, Brigadier Commander Air Marshall Alan-Bob Ostrichburger told us "Not this time"

American military policy will continue to be sponsored by diet Tango.

Brought to you in association with McDonald's. Official sponsor of the Third World War

NB: At the time of publication this article was satire

*Armageddon is a registered trademark of Satan Greavsie Inc. Copyright 666. All rites reversed.

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