Original screenplay by Keith Chegwin

Page Buffer is one of those American schoolgirl 'chicks'. She does cheerleading, with those pom-pom things, and is probably 'dating' the top school football player, who is called, oh... 'Randy' I suppose. She also does a bit of sooth-saying. On the side, like.

Page Buffer - Main character cheerleader/sooth-sayer 'chick'.
Randy Gett - Thick boyfriend with big red car with no roof.
Dad - Fat bloke in checked shirt and deerstalker.
Mom - Played by Belinda Carlisle.
Tharg - Tasty best friend with stupid name.
Guest Star: Restaurant X-Wing - Dead famous baseball/football/ludo bloke,
who no-one in Britain has ever heard of at all ever.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SCENE ONE: Front room with big sofa, telly, front door, and those stairs that they always have. Like on the Cosby show.

DAD enters via front door. Carrying gun and moose's head.

(Audience applaud for 3/4 of an hour and go 'whoo')

DAD: "Hi Honey, I'm home."

MOM enters from kitchen. Wearing apron.

(Audience applaud for 3/4 of an hour and go 'whoo')

MOM: "Hi Honey."

PAGE enters.

(Audience applaud for 2 1/2 hours and go 'whoo' and whistle)

PAGE: "Hi Dad."

DAD: "Hi Princess."

PAGE: "Say Dad, Can I go and 'hang out' at the 'mall' with Tharg?"

DAD: "Sure Princess, but none of that 'oracle' shite, y'hear?"

(2.8 second laughter sample)

PAGE: "Yes, Dad."

PAGE leaves via front door.

MOM shakes head at DAD

MOM: "Gee, Bill, You're too easy on her. She should stay home and study and that."

DAD: "Gee, Brenda, You're too hard on her. She should be out having a swell time and that."

(Camera zooms to close-up of DAD)


SCENE TWO: Page and Tharg are at the 'mall', outside 'Screaming Mad Jessie's Dead Raccoon Store'.

THARG: "Gee, Page. Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, if your dad finds out we'll be 'grounded' until we're... quite old."

(2.8 second laughter sample)

THARG: "Then we'll have to stay home and study all the time."

PAGE: "Yeah... Like that 'nerd' kid that committed suicide last 'semester', after we all repeatedly subjected him to physical and verbal abuse for wearing glasses."

(2.8 second laughter sample)

THARG: "Bummer."

PAGE: "But Tharg, this is the only way we're going to get enough money to go [and] see Europe instead of having to go to 'summer camp'."

THARG: "Okay, but I still don't like it."

SCENE THREE: Page and Tharg are still at the 'mall', but now they've got a dingy medieval mud hut, with a sign outside saying 'Soothsayer - Ten cents.' They are both dressed in 'smelly robes'.

THARG: "Gee, These 'smelly robes' smell worse than that smelly kid at school."

(2.8 second laughter sample)

PAGE: "I know, Tharg, but it's the only way we're going to get out of going to 'summer camp'."

PAGE and THARG: "And 'summer camp' sucks!"

(2.8 second laughter sample)

OLD BLOKE and OLD WOMAN walk past.

PAGE grabs OLD BLOKE by arm, stares upwards, and waves other arm at sky.

PAGE: "Whoooaaah! See the sky turn black, this day! 'Tis an omen! See the two-headed calf born at the stroke of midnight! See the devil's hoof prints o'er the land! These too are ominous signs! Oh! Beware the ides of March! Foul deeds are afoot in this land! Mark my words this day! Whoooaah!"

OLD BLOKE looks shocked, OLD WOMAN drags him away from PAGE.

OLD WOMAN: "Come along Dwight!"

(2.8 second laughter sample)

OLD BLOKE makes some unintelligible comment about 'cops' and 'donut shops'.

(Audience applauds and goes 'whoo' and 'stomps' and whistles for 27.2 minutes)

(2.8 second laughter sample)

(Audience goes 'whoo' some more and laughs for 15.8 minutes)

(2.8 second laughter sample)

(2.8 second laughter sample, slightly louder)

Cast stay totally still and silent while audience laugh, and look stupid. OLD BLOKE sways from side to side a bit.

OLD WOMAN says "Come along Dwight" again, in case audience has forgotten first time she said it, and thereby lost the 'plot'.


THARG turns to PAGE, with hands on hips. (THARG's hips)

THARG: "That's just swell, Page. At this rate we'll end up at 'summer camp' for sure."

PAGE: "No problem, Tharg. There'll be plenty (of) other customers."

(Cut to two hours later. Page is holding gigantic sack with '$' on it. Tharg is dropping two 'dimes' into it)

THARG: "...Twelve thousand seven hundred and sixty dollars seventy, Twelve thousand seven hundred and sixty dollars eighty. Page! We've got twelve thousand seven hundred and sixty dollars and eighty cents! That's nearly twelve thousand seven hundred and sixty one dollars! This'll get us our European 'vacation' for sure!"

PAGE grins.

PAGE: "Which means..."

PAGE and THARG: "No 'summer camp'!"

(2.8 second laughter sample)

PAGE and THARG: "Because 'summer camp' sucks!"

(2.8 second laughter sample)

RANDY enters, wearing American football stuff, including silly helmet and shirt with 'Dallas American Bucking Bronco Forty-niners' written on it.

(Audience applaud for 3/4 of an hour and go 'whoo')

RANDY: "Hi!"

PAGE: "Hi!"

THARG: "Hi!"

RANDY: "You 'guys' sure look happy about somethin'."

PAGE: "Yeah! We've 'gotten' out of 'summer camp', and we're going to Europe!"

RANDY: "Yeah? Awesome! Look, I'm late for basketball practice, but how about I come round tonight and you tell me all about it? And then we can go to the 'diner' or the 'junior prom' or something."

PAGE: "Sure!"

RANDY leaves. On skateboard.

SCENE FOUR: Back in Cosby show house. Different wallpaper. Dad watching 'ball game' on telly, drinking 'Bud', eating pizza.

DAD: "Anchovies."

(Audience erupts into hysterical laughter for half an hour)

DAD makes unintelligible American sports joke.

(2.8 second laughter sample)


DAD drags his 'butt' off sofa and answers door.

(RANDY enters, wearing one of those baseball glove things. And he's got a baseball cap on. Backwards.)

DAD: "Well, hi there Randy! Come on in and watch the 'ball game'."

RANDY: "Hi Dad, I mean, Mister Buffer. May I speak to Page, please? I told her that I'd be coming round when I saw her at the 'mall', while she was doing all that 'oracle' shite."


(DAD punches RANDY. Breaks his nose. Blood everywhere. RANDY dies)

AUDIENCE: "Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!"


(PAGE enters from upstairs)

PAGE: "Geez, dad! What have you done to Randy?! I think I'm gonna barf!"


(DAD starts punching the crap out of PAGE. Screaming. Blood everywhere.)

AUDIENCE: 'Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!'

WOMAN AT BACK OF AUDIENCE: "Rip the bitch's spine out!"

SCENE FIVE: Outdoor shot of 'Downtown University Hospital of Saint Columbia'. Sign says 'Property of NASA'. Crap music.

Cut to interior of hospital. Sign on wall says '<-- CHIN SPECIALIST'.

Far too many people in white coats run around at random. 'Dude' with severed chin runs off to the left.

PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: "Would Doctor (bler bler) please go to (bler bler), as this is a hospital."

(Cut to PAGE in hospital bed. MOM, THARG and NURSE are in room)

THARG: "I brought you some 'pretzels' and 'candy', I guess."

PAGE: "Gee Tharg, you shouldn't have."

THARG: "I didn't."

(2.8 second laughter sample)

NURSE: "You've broken every major bone in your body and lost an awful lot of blood, Page. But due to modern medical techniques which owe nothing at all to archaic antisocial activities such as sooth-saying, you will make a full recovery, and will be up and about in no time, I guess."

NURSE leaves.

MOM: "I hope you realise how lucky you've been, Page. As terrible as these injuries are, you deserve them. If you hadn't deliberately gone against your father's wishes regarding that 'oracle' shite, he wouldn't have been put in a position where he had to beat the crap out of you and kill your boyfriend."

PAGE: "I'm not convinced, mom. I know I was wrong to disobey dad, but I don't see what is fundamentally morally wrong with the ancient practice of sooth-saying."

Enter DAD.

DAD: "I've someone here to see you, Page..."

Enter All-American sports super-hero RESTAURANT X-WING.

(Audience applaud, 'stomp', whistle and orgasm for six days)

THARG: "Whoo! Wait 'till I tell the girls at 'kindergarten' about this!"

(THARG faints and is carried off on a stretcher by two 'dweebs')

(2.8 second laughter sample)

RESTAURANT: "Hi, Page. Y'know, I didn't get where I am today through sooth-saying or other such 'un-American' activities. The only route to success is through selfishness, bribery, and unquestioning conformity to society's behavioural norms."

PAGE: "I understand that now, Restaurant. I will burn my dingy medieval mud hut and 'smelly robes' and instead concentrate on my cheerleading, so that I may win a scholarship to Yale, where, due to being terrified of rejection by my peers, I shall take part in a sickeningly depraved and possibly dangerous initiation ceremony, in an attempt to gain membership to one of those societies they have, that have names made out of Greek letters."

(Everyone smiles. Everyone hugs everyone else)

DAD: "I love you, Princess."

PAGE: "I love you too, dad."

AUDIENCE: "Aaaah!"

WOMAN AT BACK OF AUDIENCE: "Rip the bitch's spine out!"

DOCTOR (BLER BLER) enters. No-one claps.

PAGE: "And rather than going to Europe, I shall spend my ill-earned wealth on consumer goods."

DOCTOR (BLER BLER): "Ah! Miss Buffer! Here is your medical bill. It is for twelve thousand seven hundred and sixty dollars and eighty cents."

EVERYONE: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Credits (Yellow ones) roll past in 0.2 of a second. Huge ray traced logo of producer's name spins around for six days.

The End


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