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Friday 20th Nov 1992

requested by J. Young of Peterborough

with the Reverend Daniel O'Shelves
the Reverend Daniel o'Shelves

"Do shit-heads go out and get piss-faced?"

Clerics Slam "Blasphemous" Tomato

14.10.02 09:18:22 GMT Reporter: Tommy Sauce

Church leaders around the world have joined forces to unanimously condemn a "blasphemous" tomato, discovered yesterday in the Jerusalem branch of Netto.

According to the Jerusalem Post, Ariel Cabel, a local television engineer, unwittingly purchased the offending vegetable along with several other non-blasphemous foodstuffs as part of his regular weekly shopping trip.

I say "tomato", you say "forbidden fruit of of the dark Prince Beelzebub".
Upon returning home, Mr Cabel is reported to have been horrified after cutting the tomato in half and discovering that the seeds inside clearly spelt out the message "God is a twat" in Hebrew.

Religious leaders of all faiths have been quick to condemn the sacrilegious vegetable, with many describing it as the work of Satan and calling for their followers to give up the eating of tomatoes immediately.

Speaking earlier today, the Arch Bishop of Canterbury referred to it as "the spawn of the devil's gro-bag" and expressed the opinion that it could well have been a tomato which Satan used to tempt Eve in the garden of Eden.

The outcry has not been confined to the religious fraternity, however.
Numerous political leaders have also expressed horror at the discovery of the impious veg.

Shortly after hearing about it, British Prime Minister Tony Blair told Parliament that the existence of the recently discovered tomato was "entirely unacceptable" and promised to be "tough on blasphemous vegetables - tough on the causes of blasphemous vegetables", though he neglected to mention what these actually were.

Across the Atlantic, meanwhile, American "President" George W Bush has ordered US armed forces to prepare for a sustained military campaign to be directed against any part of the world which could theoretically be harbouring potentially profane groceries, insisting that "If you're not with us, you're with the tomatoes".

Speaking from the Vatican meanwhile, the Pope, in a move widely expected to impact local pizza sales, has condemned the blasphemous tomato as "whatever the opposite of a miracle is".

Blasphemous Groceries - A Rough Guide

This is not the first time that groceries have been the cause of religious outrage.

Other sacrilegious foodstuffs to have been discovered in recent years, include the following:

  • A blasphemous quince discovered in 1971 which, when cut in half, was found to almost contain the words "Religion [is] silly" in Arabic, if you held it at a certain angle and kind of squinted at it a bit.

  • A tin of blasphemous alphabeti-spaghetti, which a Canadian theology student found to contain the phrase "Jesus Christ superstar wears frilly knickers and a see through bra, Zo? luvs Dave - True" - or would have, if he hadn't run out of Rs.

  • A catering sized packet of "hundreds and thousands" which a Buddhist monk, who's lived alone in a cave for the last forty years, painstakingly proved to contain the entire works of Alistair Crowley in Morse code.


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