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Monday 7th Oct 1985

requested by K. Palmer of Dartford

with the Reverend Daniel O'Shelves
the Reverend Daniel o'Shelves

"My mate fancies you."

Village Devastated by "Drive-By" Well Dressings

19.12.00 12:34:59 GMT Reporter: Dave Kong

Residents of the picturesque Derbyshire village of Little Nether Brothelhurst on-the-Wold were recently shocked and outraged to find themselves the victims of a series of horrific "drive-by" style incidents.

The apparently idyllic rural setting may be several thousand miles away from the lean, mean streets of New York but on one fateful morning last Friday that must have seemed cold comfort indeed, as the local inhabitants woke from their blissful pastoral slumber to find their "chocolate box" utopia irrevocably smashed apart.

For no sooner had this proud community of farmers, morris dancers and in-breds shaken the scrumpy hangovers from their woolly-hatted Cro-Magnon skulls than the news that many of them had secretly been dreading for years finally assailed their honest agrarian ears.

Sick : Well
"I'd just strapped on my wellingtons and gone out to milk the pigs, same as I do every morning" Mrs Dora Squalid, landlady at the Bull's Arms Tavern told us.

"But as soon as I stepped outside I knew something was terribly terribly wrong. It was the well... They must have known that well dressing wasn't until March - there's a poster on the church notice board - but these monsters clearly have no respect for village life. There were (sob) flowers everywhere. It was horrible."

Following the tragedy, an appeal was set up which managed to raise enough money to pay for counselling for many of the villagers most severely affected. This was spent on cider.

But ironically, no sooner had the last grisly petal been hosed from the memories of these hardworking countryfolk, than the twisted hand of fate was to deal yet another cruel fisting to the innocent belly-flesh of this rustic community, with an almost identical act taking place just days later.

This time, however, there were witnesses. A couple out walking their hen claim to have seen a "magic chariot" (car) speed past the well in the early hours of the morning, the occupants hastily bedecking it with a riot of floral colour, before speeding off towards Greater Nether Brothelhurst on-the-Wold, fifty yards away down the B723546(B) slip road.

Though no group has yet claimed responsibility for the atrocities, they are thought by many to be the work of "townies".

The local police force, however, Constable Jethro Pardon, has refused to speculate on the identities of the perpetrators, saying only that all leads are being looked into, and that comprehensive steps have been taken to protect the village from similar attacks in future.

Villagers look like this
But, despite his assurances, Little Nether Brothelhurst now has every appearance of a village under siege.

Vigilante groups of pitchfork wielding Bennies now regularly patrol the village square, and an armed militia of highly trained village idiots have set up a 25 hour observation post in the duck pond.

Amidst this climate of fear and outrage, however, the local vicar, the reverend Emanuel Gearbox, has called for calm.

"I would urge all members of the local community to leave this matter to the police and not to take the law into their own hands" he told us.

"I am confident that Constable Pardon and his colleagues will soon identify the culprits and that they will be quickly apprehended and brought to justice."

"Then we can burn them" he explained.


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