1. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The Pied Piper of Hamlin
2. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Snow White
4. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The Story of Christmas
5. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Tales from the Gloopy Minstrel

I hate stories

Another ale-fuelled tale from the bard who's barred


O nce upon a time there was a beautiful princess called Rapunzel, who er... lived in a shoe with seven dwarves... but she didn't know what to do!

So, anyway, one day this witch turned up, selling magic lamps. NO! Forget that bit. This witch turned up selling normal lamps. So Rapunzel bought one, just to get rid of her or whatever, and when she took it inside and polished this normal lamp, it turned out that it was really a magic lamp! A-ha!

And, anyway, this genie shot out of it and said "I am the genie of the lamp" etc etc, and basically Rapunzel just had to guess the genie's name to win a free wish. So Rapunzel, just off the top of her head, like, suddenly says Rumpledstilts... Rupturedstilk... "Richard Stilgoe" - and she was right! What are the odds of that?! Anyway, she got her wish and everything, and she wished that... er... she could go to the ball. Yeah, that's it.

So Richard Stilgoe (the genie) gave her this magic dress, made out of pumpkins or whatever, and told her to... er... follow the yellow brick road. Because that led to the castle or wherever it was that the ball was.

S o Rapunzel set off following the yellow brick road, but it led into this haunted wood and she was really scared, and suddenly this wolf jumped out and started chasing her! So Rapunzel just legged it, basically, and ended up... er... she ended up finding this house made of gingerbread.

So she went inside, to hide from the wolf and that, and inside there were three bowls of porridge, but she couldn't eat them because, er... the witch had poisoned them... and, er... there were three beds aswell, yeah: three beds. So she tried to go to sleep in these beds, because... well, she was obviously tired having been chased round by a bloody wolf all day.

I mean, fair enough. But she couldn't get to sleep because the beds were, er... poisoned. NO! That can't be right... Oh yeah, these beds are full of peas. For some reason. Anyway, it doesn't matter because at this point these three billy goats burst in, and it turns out that it's their house, and their beds and their poison porridge and their gingerbread and their peas and all the rest of it, and they start to chase Rapunzel, or whatever her name was, and she thinks "Oh no, not again", so she runs into the garden and er... climbs up this magic beanstalk and... er... er... falls asleep for a hundred years, and... er... er....

And then... er.... ermm.........


TThey all lived happily ever after

TThe End

Top of page Send this page to Uncle Helen Archive Log Mailing list Contact